Monday, September 2, 2013

Confused

The thing about following the Lord is sometimes is can come with confusion. The weird thing is our God is not a God of confusion, yet tonight I am confused? Let me preface this with I am writing this post more for myself then anything. I hope to look back on tonight's post and see what the Lord was doing and preparing me for. You see, most people who enroll in nursing school have a goal in mind. They want to graduate, get a job at some big hospital, they have a specialty in mind that they want to work in, such as labor and delivery or pediatrics. They set their minds to it and get it done. All that is great and that was actually my mind set in 2009 when I enrolled in nursing school the first time to get my LPN, but then I graduated in 2010 and over the next 3 years the Lord would do something in my life that was completely unexpected.........He broke me..........

As ashamed as I am to admit before I graduated in 2010 all I thought about was me. Where was I going to work, how much money would I make, would I like the job I got, would I get to work with pediatrics, which is where my heart is? Then the Lord lead me to international adoption and blessed me with my sweet IZ and during that process He took me to Ethiopia twice, where He showed me things that will never leave my heart or my mind. Traveling to Ethiopia wasn't just about seeing where my son came from so I could tell him stories when he got older. It was about seeing the brokenness that sin has caused, seeing that beautiful place through the eyes of our Creator. It's been almost 18 months since I was there and I miss it terribly. I recently had the opportunity to go back for a week and had to decline due to finances. Oh how my heart wants to go back. 

This friends is where I get confused? Why did the Lord bring me back to nursing school? In November of 2012 I lost my nursing job very unexpectedly. I prayed, seeking His guidance and while I applied for other jobs, I also applied to nursing school because something in my heart told me it was time to go back and get my RN. Every job I applied for ended with a denial letter but every step in the process of applying for school was going very smoothly and next thing I know I received my acceptance letter in the mail. Okay God, I hear ya!!

So this past January I began the 15 month journey to get my RN. Am I doing it because I wanted to? Um negative. Am I doing it because the Lord made it clear this is the path He wants me on right now? You better believe it! I have learned that even when we don't want to, even when we think what is being asked of us is a little crazy, as His children we are to be obedient and trust in His plans, which are always far better than our own. 

So here I am, in the end of my 3rd quarter (three more to go, if Lord willing I pass this one I'm currently in) and I sit anxiously awaiting to see what the Lord is going to do with my nursing once I graduate? Medical missions? A job here in town? A move out of state, out of the country? I don't know, but I do know that He holds my future and for that I am forever thankful. So I will continue to push through the long nights, the lack of sleep, the stress, even the confusion, trusting in my God who is much bigger than my little simple mind. 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight."     ~   Proverbs 3:5-6

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